Post by Fusion on May 9, 2016 16:32:57 GMT -5
So, I'm calling it quits.
I feel like I've hurt a lot of people over time. Ever since I was removed as a channel Operator (years ago) I'd felt like I was always being watched critically. That is, I stopped looking at many of you as friends and more as people who simply tolerated me, perhaps waiting for me to make some critical mistake that'd give reason to be rid of me, and I feel like that I'd have been better served leaving sooner rather than after an actually bannable offense.
There's no amount of effort I can put in that'll legitimately soothe things, particularly on the distrust I've built over time. For the people who interacted with my characters, some frequently, I know this is pretty far from fair, and that really I should just hold out until I'm allowed back. But as I've said above, I'll feel unwelcome and be back under that critical eye. So, it is probably better if I duck out entirely.
There's also a point where I'm making myself accept what I see as a truth... That I'm a horrible writer with uninteresting characters and poor motivations for said characters, with a horrible amount of metagaming that I can pretend all I want to say is justified, who wants to do things that won't work because said things are conceptually flawed from the get-go. So flawed that even in a setting as open thematically as this place doesn't want them.
I know I've made the setting a good place to play for some, but for others I feel like I'm one of the main reasons they don't bother. In some cases, I've been left scrambling retcons together so I wouldn't be playing characters with broken backstories. I am willing to blame myself above all else for failing. Failing at what, I'm not sure, but just... Failing the room, I suppose.
A lot of the above has honestly made me wonder if I should continue pursuing RP at all. I enjoyed playing my characters however flawed they were, yet it seems that it was only rarely fun for others. So, rather than drag the setting down with my presence and sitting paranoid that I could get banned any second for, I don't know, Fus picking the wrong kind of flower (absurd example but still) I will instead choose to voluntarily dismiss myself from play. So even if I should return, it will probably take a lot of convincing to make me want to RP again, much less with my existing cast of characters.
So, I'll close this off by saying just this: If any of you still want to talk to me, I'll likely be just a Query away.
- Fus
I feel like I've hurt a lot of people over time. Ever since I was removed as a channel Operator (years ago) I'd felt like I was always being watched critically. That is, I stopped looking at many of you as friends and more as people who simply tolerated me, perhaps waiting for me to make some critical mistake that'd give reason to be rid of me, and I feel like that I'd have been better served leaving sooner rather than after an actually bannable offense.
There's no amount of effort I can put in that'll legitimately soothe things, particularly on the distrust I've built over time. For the people who interacted with my characters, some frequently, I know this is pretty far from fair, and that really I should just hold out until I'm allowed back. But as I've said above, I'll feel unwelcome and be back under that critical eye. So, it is probably better if I duck out entirely.
There's also a point where I'm making myself accept what I see as a truth... That I'm a horrible writer with uninteresting characters and poor motivations for said characters, with a horrible amount of metagaming that I can pretend all I want to say is justified, who wants to do things that won't work because said things are conceptually flawed from the get-go. So flawed that even in a setting as open thematically as this place doesn't want them.
I know I've made the setting a good place to play for some, but for others I feel like I'm one of the main reasons they don't bother. In some cases, I've been left scrambling retcons together so I wouldn't be playing characters with broken backstories. I am willing to blame myself above all else for failing. Failing at what, I'm not sure, but just... Failing the room, I suppose.
A lot of the above has honestly made me wonder if I should continue pursuing RP at all. I enjoyed playing my characters however flawed they were, yet it seems that it was only rarely fun for others. So, rather than drag the setting down with my presence and sitting paranoid that I could get banned any second for, I don't know, Fus picking the wrong kind of flower (absurd example but still) I will instead choose to voluntarily dismiss myself from play. So even if I should return, it will probably take a lot of convincing to make me want to RP again, much less with my existing cast of characters.
So, I'll close this off by saying just this: If any of you still want to talk to me, I'll likely be just a Query away.
- Fus